The danger of excessive friendliness

June 7, 2020 By:

How often do you skip strangers out of turn, go with a friend to a restaurant that you can’t afford, spend the next holidays with relatives and not with your loved one? To be good for everyone is a difficult task. and most importantly, someone will always be dissatisfied.

And more often it is you yourself. Coach Kristin Wong tells how excessive complaisance interferes in achieving one’s own goals and why it is necessary to deal with it.

Half an hour has already passed, as I sat in the car, waiting for my friend, who was always late. I was waiting to help her move to another apartment. When in the end she sent an SMS: “Sorry, I will be soon”, I replied: “No problem! You can take your time. ” I became disgusted with myself, what a mess I am!

Friendliness or amiability?

Over the years, I have acquired a troubled habit of pleasing others. Being compliant is good quality. Obedience characterizes a person capable of empathy, striving for social harmony. But sometimes it can turn into obsequiousness.

My friendliness is partly a consequence of empathy and understanding of other people. Understanding the feelings of others is often accompanied by a desire to be understood by oneself.

In other words, we treat people well because we want them to treat us well too. We learn this rule of life when we enter adulthood.

So the other part of my complaisance consists of what people want to like me and that they know that I am a good person. It sounds noble, but actually a narcissistic trait.

Stop Attaching Too Much Importance to the Desires of Others

We do not know what we want for ourselves, because we attach too much importance to the desires of others.

I want to like even those people who are indifferent to me and do not even like. Therefore, overly friendly people are often overly helpful.

Habits to stop.

  • Putting up, when you feel hurt.
  • Agree with opinions you do not share.
  • Agree with all these things hoping to be loved and accepted.
  • Believing that if you please others, you become better.

Social psychologist Susan Newman explains: “We live in the illusion that helping others makes us better.

In fact, the opposite is true. We are driving ourselves into a stressful situation, we are nervous, they consider us spineless simpletons. ”

It is easy to understand how such a character trait turns into a problem.

We are so used to pleasing others that we forget what we like. It also explains why overly compliant people are often indecisive. We do not know what we want for ourselves, because we attach too much importance to the desires of others.

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